Random thoughts.

The past few days have been completely random but seriously some of the best nights ever <3

It was Friday evening and I decided to take Roxanne on a walk once the temperature had cooled down some. It was a very wonderful walk, though nothing special. I had been listening to my Ipod so I missed a call from this boy that I had hung out with before but did not particularly feel even intrigued to be friends with. I saw he had left a voice mail and after a minute of contemplating whether I should take the time to open it, I listened to his invitation to hang out with some friends and meet some DJ's.

And of course I agreed! :)

Every part of the night was absolutely amazing- I hung out with so many Dj's for hours and met wonderful people. Going into the place I only knew one person, and now I'm friends with almost everyone that came :) :) They were all very kind hearted people. There was one boy, however, who didn't talk to me much, or at least as much as I had wanted. His name was Jeff.

On the way home we talked a lot while the other two guys were passed out in the backseat and at the very end of the road trip he invited me to a BBQ he was having July 4th with his family.

The strange thing is, straight away we felt so close, we ALWAYS had stuff to laugh about and talk about, he's the sweetest kid ever. It was sooo hard going home last night, I just wanted to go to sleep in his arms. We both barely knew each other (I met him Friday evening) but everything just clicked <3

At first I was a little curious why I had such an interest in someone who was 25, but then I started thinking that I hang out with people of all ages, so 25 is actually the median of the range of ages of friends, so it works well. And I also wondered "why now?" Why on Earth would God send this wonderful boy to me when I'm leaving in three weeks? I remember with Billy and Amir it was also this weird mutual out of nowhere attraction (and come to think of it, both Billy and I started liking each other without even talking once and dated for two years). And I was constantly waiting for that person...where you could feel the "click" and finallyyyy after a year it happened :) :) But why now?

I can't guess why, but that won't stop me from spending the next 3 weeks with him :) :)

Do not withold Your mercy from me, O Lord; may your loves and truths always protect me Psalm 40:11

This morning I had a seizure; I won't get into the details about scaring my roommates and the paramedics and massive headache and sleeping for twenty hours though. I've been near tears all day today, though I'm not quite sure of the cause of it. Embarrassment? Hopelessness? Scared? Rather a combination of them all, I'm sure. What I'm so thankful for is the realisation I had today. Even though I had a seizure, there are endless ways that I should show my gratitude to God.
1. Keeping me safe. Of all times to have a seizure I was sitting down on the floor and was only in the presence of my roommates. I barely bit my tongue at all and my work load in school has been minimal so I have had an opportunity to sleep and get better.
2. At first I was angry that I had a seizure because I want a motorcycle SO bad, and there's no way that I can ride one (or even a car for that matter) for the risk of having a seizure while driving. I've often been repeatedly having petite mal seizures but I've had them so often I tend to disregard them completely by now. Perhaps having a grand mal has shown me that this is serious, and I can't simply hope for the best.
3. I scheduled a doctors appointment a couple weeks ago for Friday at 8 in the morning. At least now I can talk about my seizures in more detail in order to allow the doctors to decide the best treatment to help me.

Whenever I am afraid, I will Trust in You.
I just pray that I can think this way about all events that seem hopeless in life. <3

Family Situation.

I'm beginning to get very aggrivated with everything in my family lately, to the point that I'm actually about to rant about it. My aunt, Kathy, has been continually hurt by my evil grandmother and Ana for years, and has finally given up completely ever since my graduation day. I constantly try to have her come to occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving, and she shows her appreciation that i'm trying to invite her over. However, she basically responds with, "If Christmas is about coming together and loving one another.......it does not happen in the Ward family..I really liked what you had to say but I honestly do not feel like I am welcome there" I just don't know what to say anymore.

Ana, being the bitch she is, has not helped with the situation. I feel like i have two choices. I can take the same road I have been on for a long time, in which I barely talk to her and she does the same thing- easy, to the point. Lately, however, i've been trying to change things. Of course I never meant to take it to the point of being actually close to one another, but since school started I've been sincerely trying to be very nice to her: asking if she needs help, asking about her day, talking to her for about two minutes straight.

Unfortunately, all of my hard work nearly went to pieces Thanksgiving weekend. On Black Friday I bought Monty Python during work (i felt no house could go without this movie) and I kept telling everyone that I bought it when I got home that night from work. I even strolled around the house doing the horse trot that the characters do in the movie! (I'm a dork). I also kept trying to get my dad to watch it with me (Ben had already said yes). Thirty minutes later, my dad comes down and i scream "SO YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH IT WITH US?!" And then he said no, and that instead him and Ana were going to watch the Secret Garden (but he had just watched it a couple days before so it was obviously just ana that wanted to watch it). ...Really?? They didn't say they wanted to watch a movie together and just didn't want to watch that. This would've been okay, i would have been disappointed, but i love watching movies as a family so I would deal. They knew i was so excited to watch it, and just assumed they could watch their own movie instead. It is their TV, yes, but it never came to a matter of ownership. I could tell my dad felt bad. It just hurt that she knew I really wanted to watch it together as a family and didn't even ask or anything. I felt so bad =(

At the same time, I've also been talking to Jenny on Facebook, who is my dad's ex-gf's daughter. And she was such a cool chick, but it seems she was really hurt by Ana as well. "she doesn`t seem to be very intelligent to me. The one and only time I had the honour to talk to her was when you and I were on the phone and she interrupted the call by shouting and finally saying FUCK YOU to me. Don`t you remember that?! As you probably know your dad always told us that it`s not allowed to say the F-word!"

Basically, I've been trying SO incredibly hard to not take the easy path and just ignore her and hate her, mostly motivated by two things 1) no one likes a relationship like that and 2) it makes my dad upset to see it. Most of the motivation comes from the latter of the two. I've been trying so hard to get along with her and my dad has really appreciated it, I can tell. With my love for my aunt and my potentially-half-sister and their sincere hatred of Ana, I get even more confused. I just always end up being the middle girl, being nice to everyone, hearing them say bad things about each other, and just listening to it all. Why?

Family's suck :[

Yummy Food!

So Tania and I spent the whole day together yesterday since 10 am..14 hours :D

First we went to Magruder High School to visit a couple of teachers. The school is INCREDIBLY small-it isn't even the size of ONE of the buildings in College Park, let alone the whole campus. And to think, in ninth grade i was always lost trying to find my classes in such a big school :p

After that Tania and I went home to search for recipes to make for Thanksgiving. We decided on custard and this Indian recipe which had a spinach sauce and paneer (some sort of Indian cheese) in it with onions and SPICES (being Indian food and all)

We didn't have enough spinach the first time to feed a bunch of people, so when my dad went to pick up Ana from the airport he stopped by the grocery store and picked up a couple more bags of baby spinach. So, let me explain that EVERYTHING went perfectly the first time, no burnt spinach or anything. I put oil and the spices in JUST like i had done the first time, and when i used the spatula to stir the spices around JUST like i had done the first time....

the spatula melted...I have no idea how. So now we have half a spatula sitting on the window as a monument. Smoke was going throughout the whole first floor from putting cold water on the hot pan, Tania and I were laughing hysterically, and my dad and brother were sitting casually at the dining room table eating dinner, having no idea what was going on in the kitchen.

Good times :)

A better evening :)

After also describing my horrible day on my Facebook status, Eli asked if i wanted to get a smoothie with him. So, around nine when both of us were free we went to the ERC, talked a bunch, joked around, and somehow ended up wrestling for a minute or two back at my dorm.

I told him i was a lover not a fighter, but I had seen my brother and Dad wrestle countless times, so i figured i might have caught on to some tips. It really wasn't very effective on both sides. And probably was not the best solution to my huge headache i developed from all the stress about my English assignment. But i at least showed him i'm not THAT girly.

Overall it improved my evening incredibly :)

The funny part is thinking back to high school when I used to dislike him so much. I thought he was funny, but incredibly rude and inconsiderate-nothing about him extended more than that. Whether he changed or if I've just been seeing a different side of him, he turns out to be a really sweet and funny guy so yey =) The only problem is i'm extremely gullible and nearly everything he says is a made up story. Of course i believe every word of it.

I'm very proud to say that I can judge very accurately of what a person is about pretty quickly, but this shows I can be very mistaken sometimes. It's actually happened to me multiple times these past couple months. Plus, it then gives me no excuse not to try and learn everything about everybody! :)

I wish i could...I feel like I am missing out on so much by not meeting every person around me.

Goodnight :) <3

Test tip of the day: never dwell on something that would only save you a couple points max

So, basically I worked incredibly hard on the rough draft of an assignment due in English, only to realise when she returned it that I had gone ahead to the next assignment which was to write a research paper on the same topic rather than incorporating my own experience. Since my essay didn't address all of this prompt I did most of it over again, and worked just as hard on the final draft as i did the first. All our assignments in the past have needed to be submitted at noon on a specific day or at midnight, so i had assumed that, when using my "late pass" it would be also due at noon, but only tuesday at noon instead of friday at noon (when it was regularly due). My essay was completely done by 11:30 last night, but i decided i would look over it one last time in the morning when i woke up just to "get those last points" that maybe could make a difference.

It turns out that on the syllabus that she handed us in the beginning of the year, in between the long paragraphs of neverending policies, the teacher wrote that it had to be sent in before the start of the class (AKA 9:30AM) when you use a late pass-which i had failed to read/remember.

So my ten-page hard-worked essay that i emailed my teacher this morning got a very small reply:

"late, no credit."

All of the rest of my grades are A's, I'm obviously not a bad student, and it was a simple mistake and misunderstanding. This isn't fair :'(

Some things you just can't explain

I deleted everything i wrote, I deleted so much in livejournal as well. I can't explain why I felt I needed to do it. Honestly, it felt like i was deleting every part of me that existed this past year and a half...I dispise that person. It wasn't even Maggie-if that makes sense. Everything feels different lately though- better. Happier.

I guess it's a form of denial. That by deleting my "memories" written down in these journals i'm convincing myself they don't exist. I guess this whole time wasn't a waste of my life, but just something to learn from, and forget.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

There's only one that finally got me out of this spiral.

Last night on the phone..

Maggie: I can't. I made a promise.
Brian: to who?
Maggie: Someone.
Brian: who?
Maggie: why does it matter?
Brian: let me guess is it...BILLY?
Maggie: no.
Brian: who then?
Maggie: *smile* Someone <3 You won't guess Who though :)